ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE

i’ve written about 12 posts that are sitting in my notes app, all begging me to put them but i can’t. the timing is all wrong. it’s too important for people i’ve just recently met and people i’ve known for what feels like a lifetime to work through what they’re working through, on their own, without my talking at them or around them instead of just talking to them. that’s a thing i’ve started doing more over the course of the last year. it’s something i’m proud of and it’s working well. sometimes i wish it happened more often than it does, and I'm sure it will where it needs to, but what i’m more sure about is that no one needs to hear my opinion unless they ask me for it. 

except sometimes i land on things that are too big to keep on my computer and putting words out into the atmosphere seems like the only thing i can do push back against the atmosphere because it is pushing hard. and the atmosphere does need a push back periodically. as do i. as do my friends.

so this is a note to my friends. and also to their friends. and also to friends of theirs. this is a note to the atmosphere on our collective behalf. i’ll start with a question: 

what is happening rn? 

what is this thing that i can’t get away from where everyone is rationalizing weird situations that are not ok into being ok? situations where the story about the situation has to be fantasized because the reality of the situation it is something else completely. i'm catching my friends creating stories to tell themselves about the story they’re actually living and i’m over here on the sidelines looking confused because i am. dumbfounded is a better word. i could have sworn we’d all have it together by the time we were twenty-stomething or thirty-something? like, right? like, what is even going on?

i’m going to submit to the idea that everything is ok if you say it’s ok. i mean, we all get to decide what is and what is not. we (singularly) are the only ones who has any right to make that call. but also…if it isn’t ok, why even consider considering that maybe it is? because we are adults now. we’re grown ups. we’re *supposed to be* getting nothing if not more responsible, so why are we perpetually sketching out on the things that make the most sense and pushing into the most ridiculous scenarios that absolutely do not? i’m currently a spectator to at least six people that i care about who are fighting obvious (but ignored, of course) concession and carrying loads of compromise into and out of some of the most important life things. how are they doing that? well, they sort of just tell themselves and everyone else that this thing they’re doing or this behavior they have or this position they’re in is actually what they want. that they’re happy. that they’re doing “good”. that things are “ok”.  

i’m making the assumption, right or wrong, that this is just in the air right now and that it’s a “season” or whatever that even means when we say it. it’s the atmosphere or something. 

if that’s the case and if that makes sense to you and if you’re doing this yourself, then listen up:

can you consider knocking it off? and can you consider doing that for your own sake? can i ask you, as a friend of a friend of a friend, like, what if you actually made some decisions about what you are worth and about what you know you deserve (in your life/out of your relationships/from your family/etc) and you just…maybe also believed it? and maybe also believed it so much that you tried not settling for less than those things? i mean, ok, there’s a chance that you prefer a thing that’s less than perfect because it’s better than nothing and you aren’t excusing yourself out of an even better thing, and if that’s the truth...then fine. but if you’re not satisfied and it’s because you’re lulling yourself into complacency ABOUT YOUR LIFE then please hear me when i suggest that to those of us who care about you, that’s super not acceptable. at all.

so quit. for the people who love you. for the people whom you love. lowering your standards and bargaining with your conscience when it tells you “hey, pretty sure this is not the best you can do” or “you’re missing out on the opportunities that you really want by preoccupying yourself on these safe bets” is a poor choice. bargaining is never not a bad decision. 

don’t expect to have what you could if you knock the wind out that petition and accept mediocre instead of magic. you should be overwhelmed every morning by how amazing your potential is and how intricate your emotions are and how fantastic your talents have become and how highly your friends or family or partner believe you to be (and for god’s sake i hope they tell you these things out loud). because like, these are actually things you deserve. we’re merited that much and way, way more. all of the list i just made should be standard from others and they should be standards for ourselves. 

so…please, it’s hard to watch. seriously. it hurts the rest of us who are confused by it but only because we would rather see you in-between and expectant than in-process and left wanting. this sucks to see. a lot.

here’s my suggestion which you can totally take or leave: do something or something. take a few days or a weekend (or a whole week if you want to get crazy) and just quit being afraid of quitting the things you need to quit. learn to say no. practice stepping off. start being audacious and leaning into uncertainty where you could more easily stay where you are. lean into loneliness if you need to. rilke has plenty for you to read when you’re there. read rilke and make solo coffee and take some walks by yourself and use that time to back away from the things that are ok but really aren’t when compared to the things that are perfect.

i’ve had at least four chances to roll with things that were "fine" in the last 6 months. maybe more than four. none of them inherently “bad”. none of them unhealthy by nature. but i know what i want for myself and only certain types of ventures or people or ideas get to make it into that room. so while i 100% could have chilled with a slightly different, slightly-less-than-what-i-know-i-want version of those things………..why? as far as i can tell, and as far as i can see with how this is playing out in the lives of my friends, they’d just serve to cheat me out of moving on the things i know i will especially want whenever they make themselves available to me. and for nate, that’s not ok. i’m decided on this one. and i’m happy. for real.

it sucked to walk, man. i’m not going to lie about that part. staying is a much lesser commitment than going. i probably could have made a little extra cash or made out a few more times or…whatever. but no. i want a different thing. for me and for my friends and for their friends and for those of us in our twenties and thirties, glancing around the room and wondering why it doesn’t look like we thought it was going to. wondering why we’re not there yet. and why things keep just feeling “ok”.

we don’t need “ok", we need remarkable. we need “this is the most right i’ve ever felt, even though i’m in-between". we need a real story that we can really tell. we need to get a clear picture of what we want and what we’re worth and we need to let that decide for us what moves we should make. 

happy october, bbs. i’m presently going to go buy my dream couch to make this room I'm in look like i think it should. there’s your metaphor.

love ya, ok? holla if you hear me.

REFLECTIONS ON WHY IT'S NOT GOING TO LAST (OR ALSO IS)

a girl leans over to a guy who has to be her boyfriend and holds her phone up, pointing at some specific thing, saying some other thing about whatever it is she saw. he's looking down at his own phone and i almost think he doesn’t notice. it’s kind of awkward. when he does acknowledge that she’s there, it’s slow and drenched in disinterest. she keeps talking for a few seconds more and then stops, waiting for a response which she does end up getting but in the form of this anemic half-nod-head-lift with a barely visible brow raise, followed by eyes moving immediately back to his phone again which is parallel to his face because he’s slumped that far into the couch. they’re sitting across from me and perpendicular to the fireplace. we’re in a coffee shop. after he looks away from her there’s this tenuous time stop where the girl pauses for a second to watch him watch his phone and i’m watching her to see how she responds.

she doesn’t really respond at all. 

or, actually she does respond. but not by following up or sharing something else. she doesn’t want to do that to herself again. so she responds by sliding in slow-mo quietly back to where she was before she made an effort, semi-close to him and at the same time not especially close, sort of biting her bottom lip and scrolling again through her feed. or responding to a text. or whatever.

she was with her boyfriend and she was by herself and i don’t understand. 

this isn’t about people being “together alone” because of cell phones. i think that’s a stupid conversation and that’s not what this post is about. this post is about a girl who made an honest attempt at engaging a guy in some level of conversation to have it handed back to to her without any consideration whatsoever. her effort was dismissed and when it was, she went back to her place and did it like it was nothing new because it wasn’t anything new. she leaned back into the couch, back into her phone, back into herself, back into her “seat” because the contribution she tried to make was shrugged off instead of picked up. she wasn’t surprised. she wasn't angry. this was a dynamic she knew well, the one where she cares and he doesn’t. the one where she reaches out and somehow finds herself feeling like she did something wrong. the one where she learns through non-verbals that what she thinks or does or says is irrelevant and insignificant. it’s nonessential. she’s nonessential.

i actually stared at these two for way longer than is probably ok. then i got up and left and drove home and fell asleep.

i haven’t stopped thinking about it for 7 days. 

*keep reading below*

i’m starting to understand that what necessarily matters in a relationship is not necessarily what we think. it’s not your political bent. it’s not your position on social justice. it’s not your theology. it’s not physical attraction. it’s not how familiar you are or how long you’ve been familiar or how easy it will be to stay familiar. it’s not in axioms or biases or paradigms. it’s not your ideals or your beliefs or your philosophies that are most important if what we’re talking about is a relationship where two people find themselves still happy together when they’re 80. as a matter of fact, science is starting to tell us that if these are the things show up in your list of prerequisites then you’re statistically on deck for divorce. #sorry. 

i realize this is counterintuitive to what most of us have been taught or felt, but the construct of the relationship that has the best shot at lasting forever isn’t cerebral and it isn’t temporal and it isn’t corporeal. it is now and has always been emotional. you want examples? ok, it’s humor (funny = best sex) and thoughtfulness (physical attraction means mostly nothing) and kindness (together the longest) and empathy (happiest partners). those are the real players and you can read why for yourself if you follow those links. the point in all of them is that relationships do not rise and fall on who your partner is, it rises and falls on how they are. it’s not what you are to them, it’s what you are for them. it’s love, kids. the bloody kind. the kind that costs you something. the kind that’s expensive. the kind that leaves you with nothing because you wanted to give everything because that’s selflessness and your self is all you really have to give in the first place. 

are you taking issue with this yet? then you’re not there. not right now, anyway. and that’s fine. do/think/attempt things however you want, but don’t be upset if the brand of relationship you’re pressing into falls apart (again) and you find yourself confused and discouraged and lonely, planning your escape instead of turning it around and walking headlong into honest effort. we are always setting ourselves up. 

here’s the deal, what are you looking for? what do you want? what’s your play? if what you want is to be whole and healthy and experience affection on a deep level and give yourself the best odds at a long, good, happy life with another person then get your priorities straight. like, today. don’t self-sabotage (here’s another article that you probably shouldn’t read). stop stacking the deck against yourself with prerequisites that may be nice in the short-term but mean next to nothing when you stand them up beside the factors that best predict whether you’ll be content in the long-term. i am not saying that you shouldn’t care how someone votes or that you should date a person who’s face you kind of hate because hopefully eventually you'll think they’re not so terrible to look at or that it doesn’t matter if the boy you’re crushing on is an existential nihilist while you’re spending all of your evenings with your small group “community”.

a lot of the things that “matter” could easily be seen as byproducts of the things that “don’t” so i’m not saying that the social or moral values someone holds should be surrendered to a scientific/psychological equation. but when push comes to shove…it’s probably not someone’s left-wing lean that makes them a perfect mate. it’s probably actually the opposite. it’s that they want what you want as much (and sometimes more) than what they want for themselves. it’s that you laugh together. and are heard when you say something. anything, really. and that you feel safe when you show them something on your phone because you know ahead of time that they’re not going to be so despondent that your best option is to slink back toward any space that could EVER be called "semi-close but at the same time not especially close”.

let’s skip the part where we talk about this seating arrangement being a metaphor for your entire relationship.

so where am i? i won’t say that i have this on lock because i don’t. but i do feel like it’s true and i want it and i’m going to get there eventually, regardless of price. i’m gearing up to spend everything i have again even as i write this post. how? for me it's going to look something like this:

i will care about what you care about because i care about you. i will watch for signs that you’re doing less than ok and read between the lines when i can and i will absolutely make sure that you don't feel lonely or sad or helpless or scared. i will pick up on cues. you will know that your opinion is not just important, it’s a priority. your independence is crucial and it’s beautiful and i’m not intimidated by it so hang out with it as much as you want to. you are not small or insignificant and you’re not worthless and you won’t ever feel that way when i’m around. if you do, i’ll make myself available for you to tell me that it's happening and i’ll adjust as best i can. if we disagree (and we will), then i’ll spend a lot of time weighing out why you feel the way you do. i hope i even change my perspective sometimes. what you think is enough without needing to explain to me why you think it, but if ever you want to i’ll be super into it while unpack everything. if one day things are just “off” and your only outlet is getting your cry on, i’m going hang out with you and when it feels right i’m going to say “what do you need from me?” and “what can i do for you right now?” and you’ll know that i have your back. every time. 

i want to be kind and generous and empathetic and thoughtful. i want you to lean over on the couch to show me what you just saw on your phone. i want to ask you questions about it. i want say something funny. i want you to say something funny back. i want us to laugh together. i want to kiss your temple. i want the kid across from us to walk away thinking something different than what i did.

i don’t want to sit semi-close, i want to sit especially close. even when we’re 80. and i think we have a good shot if instead of stacking the deck we just do our best with the hands we have.

DO WHATEVER

it's been coming up a lot in conversation as of late. how do you walk into a potential long term situation? how hard do you go? how much do you hold back? what about the other person who's in this thing with you? what do you do when you get scared? should you get scared? what's the purpose? what's too much? what's not enough?

what if it doesn't work?

i think i've shifted quite a bit in my positions over the years. i think i've kept an open mind about…most everything, and i do plan on that trend continuing for quite some time. i also plan on getting better at it. but there are those things that have remained quite consistent since i was a teenager and started the process of meeting people to maybe fall in love with them. one of those things that i hope i never move away from is the idea that ransoming your heart for the sake of your heart is really just a comfortable form of treason.

*keep reading below*

View fullsize

and this is why people are tempted by the thought that they can wall of certain parts of themselves in an attempt to play the odds and curb how much pain they feel. they don't want their heart to hurt. their heart has been there before after all, and it didn't like it, so they learn from that and begin the process of protecting it by keeping pieces of it hidden with the intention of opening up those rooms when it…feels right. but keeping things back so as to not get hurt is a really reliable way to hurt both parties in the end. starting (too) slow will inevitably make things end too fast. proceeding with caution can/does backfire and not being who you are, where you are, why you are, when you are…means the person who you're doing this to doesn't ever get to meet you. and you don't ever get to meet them. 

make no mistake, you may think initially that you're doing this for yourself but you're most certainly also doing it to someone else. someone call mr. jung.

i think it makes sense, in a way. we don't like pain and we want to do everything we can to mitigate how much of it we feel, so we wait to splay our guts onto the table until we're convinced that we can do it without our person getting grossed out after they see our insides. vulnerability becomes the dirtiest of all the dirty words. maybe not in lexicon but definitely in practice. we're guarded and circumspect and we're all too good at convincing ourselves that we're safer that way. but we're also lying to ourselves. allowing the other half of your relationship to see that you're whole even when you feel impossibly not whole (like when you think about the places that make you feel that way) is the epitome of being whole in he first place. the healthy person is the one who has the insecurities and the fears and the doubts and the guilt but recognizes that those things just part of whoever they are. healthy sees itself as the sum of it's parts and doesn't disregard the bits that it's ashamed of as not being reality. if they exist, they are real. healthy presents itself as exactly what it is and makes no apology for not being something else. healthy takes inventory, takes notes and then takes risk. 

the other day i walked up to a friend who was sitting with a second friend. as i got close she said, "we're talking about feelings and how you have to feel them". 

that's the whole thing. 

i made up my mind over a decade ago that this would be my promise to myself as well as to whomever i might pursue, date, kiss or cuddle. it's never taken me to a place that i ended up regretting except in one particular instance: the one where the other person isn't on the same vibe. 

i've never felt sorry for feeling it all, or the fact that i run the risk of feeling worse later by doing so. those are understandings that i always have walking in. they come with the territory and i'm completely aware of the potential outcomes. but i have felt sorry for ending up in heartbreak after deciding to move forward with a person who decided they wanted to approach us a different way. and this is the time when it doesn't work like it's supposed to. feeling everything works every time except when it doesn't. it's the time where the person you're feeling things "with" becomes the person you're feeling things "for". they want to withhold and you get burnt. the fireproofing of one leads to the incineration of the other. the protection against pain introduces a double-dose to the one who made a concerted effort to lay their arms down. measures taken to skirt around fear end up tormenting the one who paid no mind to it in the first place.

hear me say this. when someone holds their heart ransom for the sake of their heart, the relationship never gets a fair chance. the resulting treason isn't committed only against themselves but against love itself. it's treason against selflessness and charity and benevolence and altruism and generosity. it's subversion. it's a miscarriage. it's abortion. 

"the trap i set for you seems to have caught my leg instead".

i think i'm writing this to remind myself that i don't ever want to change this part of how i approach love. despite being terrified and petrified and paralyzed and finding myself in the place i was worried i might and being alone and then not alone and then been alone again and being left and being broken and wiping tears and flirting with depression and watching it happily flirt back, i am unshakably sure about one thing...i'll do it the same way next time.

listen, if you're open to finding the person worth your time and effort and affection then do yourself a favor and don't sabotage the system. be open to it and be open to them. be open to yourself. be present at all costs. be intentional. be attentive. do everything you can to avoid thinking about worst case scenarios. understand that anxiety is poison and it lies to you, even when it's telling the truth. don't limit anything unless you should. if it's unnerving, lean into it. when it starts getting heavy, get heavy with it. when you start to get overwhelmed, say it. if you feel afraid, share it. if you can't figure out why you feel how you do, sit your person down and ask for help. unlock the doors and open the windows and pay attention to how the one you love responds. if you feel incapable, announce it. cry about it. get mad about it. hyperventilate. but work it out with yourself and with the one who is hopefully doing all of these same things for you. you're looking for an individual who can compliment you where you need it. you're looking for someone who won't hurt you when you're expecting to be and who won't take advantage of you when you're most likely to be and who won't think less of you when it would be easy to do that. for god's sake, don't steal away their opportunity to show you who they are. get out of your head. stop making excuses. your precautions are obstructing your view. the entirety of real relationship rests on feeling everything, all the time, and exactly how you do when you do. there is no room for buffers or for barricades. remove both before you "learn" that they work, because they don't except in their own special way of working in reverse.

everything i've written pushes toward two things: trust and honesty. but here's the secret...it's not about trusting and being honest with the person you're trying to build a connection with, it's about trusting and being honest 

with yourself.

so start that now. you don't "eventually" get there, that's a wall talking. you are as much there as you have ever been because it's where you are. make the conscious decision to live from that place on purpose. reset. go back. move on. be honest about everything. share food and eat ice cream in messy living rooms and paint together. play music together. sing. dance everywhere, especially in the car. introduce each other to people and listen to your friends. they most likely know this isn't the last interest they'll ever meet. believe in something, even if it's just how you're handling things. offer your trust up the first person you feel deserves it and do not listen when fear tries to tell you to do something else. if something is happening, then acknowledge it. if something is inside of you, then act on it. be careless and reckless and dangerous and stop letting what you haven't been define who you are. leave the questions in your head where they can't sway the feelings in your stomach and then move on the former rather than the latter. do it now as you're reading this sentence. and if you get run over and busted up and you end up bruised for months, then give yourself time to heal and try again. and if you've never tried before then start tonight. give it everything you have and swear to yourself you'll do the same thing next time. and the time after that. and again. and again. until you don't need to do it anymore because you find the person who saw what you did and they appreciated what you did and instead of your having kept things from them, they took what you gave them and kept it for you.

that's when you know. i promise it doesn't work the other way around. 

LIFESTYLE | ROBERTS + HICKS

i took some quick photos of of larry roberts and patrick hicks a few weeks ago at mission coffee. we've been talking with these guys for a little while now about doing some lifestyle stuff to supplement their brands. this is how i found them...it wasn't set up. they're really just this cool every day.  also, there's a video coming sometime soon.

check out their respective shops here: flat foot vintage and repertoire.

there's more 
personality
in the way
you hold
your wrist
than the way
most people
hold a 
conversation.

SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH CAROLINA

soooooo, impromptu trip to the carolinas for a few days with my friend and biz-boy, doug.  

i love the sun. and the unexpected. i got both.

i'll look for you in the girl at the end of the
community style table at the coffee shop later today
or in that brunette named "nicole"
who has the dog with hair the same color of hers.
and in everyone i meet for the first time,
and in everyone i've met once before.
i'll know you when i see you.
it will be in the way you touch
the people you talk to.
or how you look when you listen.
or how much i laugh. 

SOMEWHERE IN VIRGINIA

i have a friend who lives in virginia named travis. he's one of my favorite people in the world. i took a trip last week to visit him and get some work done. whilst there i met chelsea and andrew who are now also on my favorite-people-in-the-world list. chelsea and i have followed each other on instagram for years and finally, after a few botched attempts, hung out this week. i might like her boyfriend more but also maybe not. maybe equally, but it's a lot either way.

i shot some things for a blog chels just launched with a certain kaitlin who i posted a shot of in a previous post. the blog is called "feel and flourish" wherein live all things girlie. did i use wherein right? 

i want to go back already. also, thedogohmyword.

i keep catching myself
ask your opinion
and when you give it to me
it weighs more than mine does
and more than the person beside me
and that's how i know
that i should be about
asking you to stay
and why you should think about
saying yes when i do.

NOAH GUNDERSEN IN OHIO

this is noah gundersen with his sister and his brother and his friends, all whom also happen to be in a band with him. i have never, in my entire life, met a group of people so welcoming, friendly and hilarious. 

here are some photos of a show at rumba in columbus last night and also one of brunch this morning where aj spilled coffee all over my life-force.