it's been coming up a lot in conversation as of late. how do you walk into a potential long term situation? how hard do you go? how much do you hold back? what about the other person who's in this thing with you? what do you do when you get scared? should you get scared? what's the purpose? what's too much? what's not enough?

what if it doesn't work?

i think i've shifted quite a bit in my positions over the years. i think i've kept an open mind about…most everything, and i do plan on that trend continuing for quite some time. i also plan on getting better at it. but there are those things that have remained quite consistent since i was a teenager and started the process of meeting people to maybe fall in love with them. one of those things that i hope i never move away from is the idea that ransoming your heart for the sake of your heart is really just a comfortable form of treason.

*keep reading below*

and this is why people are tempted by the thought that they can wall of certain parts of themselves in an attempt to play the odds and curb how much pain they feel. they don't want their heart to hurt. their heart has been there before after all, and it didn't like it, so they learn from that and begin the process of protecting it by keeping pieces of it hidden with the intention of opening up those rooms when it…feels right. but keeping things back so as to not get hurt is a really reliable way to hurt both parties in the end. starting (too) slow will inevitably make things end too fast. proceeding with caution can/does backfire and not being who you are, where you are, why you are, when you are…means the person who you're doing this to doesn't ever get to meet you. and you don't ever get to meet them.

make no mistake, you may think initially that you're doing this for yourself but you're most certainly also doing it to someone else. someone call mr. jung.

i think it makes sense, in a way. we don't like pain and we want to do everything we can to mitigate how much of it we feel, so we wait to splay our guts onto the table until we're convinced that we can do it without our person getting grossed out after they see our insides. vulnerability becomes the dirtiest of all the dirty words. maybe not in lexicon but definitely in practice. we're guarded and circumspect and we're all too good at convincing ourselves that we're safer that way. but we're also lying to ourselves. allowing the other half of your relationship to see that you're whole even when you feel impossibly not whole (like when you think about the places that make you feel that way) is the epitome of being whole in he first place. the healthy person is the one who has the insecurities and the fears and the doubts and the guilt but recognizes that those things just part of whoever they are. healthy sees itself as the sum of it's parts and doesn't disregard the bits that it's ashamed of as not being reality. if they exist, they are real. healthy presents itself as exactly what it is and makes no apology for not being something else. healthy takes inventory, takes notes and then takes risk.

the other day i walked up to a friend who was sitting with a second friend. as i got close she said, "we're talking about feelings and how you have to feel them".

that's the whole thing.

i made up my mind over a decade ago that this would be my promise to myself as well as to whomever i might pursue, date, kiss or cuddle. it's never taken me to a place that i ended up regretting except in one particular instance: the one where the other person isn't on the same vibe.

i've never felt sorry for feeling it all, or the fact that i run the risk of feeling worse later by doing so. those are understandings that i always have walking in. they come with the territory and i'm completely aware of the potential outcomes. but i have felt sorry for ending up in heartbreak after deciding to move forward with a person who decided they wanted to approach us a different way. and this is the time when it doesn't work like it's supposed to. feeling everything works every time except when it doesn't. it's the time where the person you're feeling things "with" becomes the person you're feeling things "for". they want to withhold and you get burnt. the fireproofing of one leads to the incineration of the other. the protection against pain introduces a double-dose to the one who made a concerted effort to lay their arms down. measures taken to skirt around fear end up tormenting the one who paid no mind to it in the first place.

hear me say this. when someone holds their heart ransom for the sake of their heart, the relationship never gets a fair chance. the resulting treason isn't committed only against themselves but against love itself. it's treason against selflessness and charity and benevolence and altruism and generosity. it's subversion. it's a miscarriage. it's abortion.

"the trap i set for you seems to have caught my leg instead".

i think i'm writing this to remind myself that i don't ever want to change this part of how i approach love. despite being terrified and petrified and paralyzed and finding myself in the place i was worried i might and being alone and then not alone and then been alone again and being left and being broken and wiping tears and flirting with depression and watching it happily flirt back, i am unshakably sure about one thing...i'll do it the same way next time.

listen, if you're open to finding the person worth your time and effort and affection then do yourself a favor and don't sabotage the system. be open to it and be open to them. be open to yourself. be present at all costs. be intentional. be attentive. do everything you can to avoid thinking about worst case scenarios. understand that anxiety is poison and it lies to you, even when it's telling the truth. don't limit anything unless you should. if it's unnerving, lean into it. when it starts getting heavy, get heavy with it. when you start to get overwhelmed, say it. if you feel afraid, share it. if you can't figure out why you feel how you do, sit your person down and ask for help. unlock the doors and open the windows and pay attention to how the one you love responds. if you feel incapable, announce it. cry about it. get mad about it. hyperventilate. but work it out with yourself and with the one who is hopefully doing all of these same things for you. you're looking for an individual who can compliment you where you need it. you're looking for someone who won't hurt you when you're expecting to be and who won't take advantage of you when you're most likely to be and who won't think less of you when it would be easy to do that. for god's sake, don't steal away their opportunity to show you who they are. get out of your head. stop making excuses. your precautions are obstructing your view. the entirety of real relationship rests on feeling everything, all the time, and exactly how you do when you do. there is no room for buffers or for barricades. remove both before you "learn" that they work, because they don't except in their own special way of working in reverse.

everything i've written pushes toward two things: trust and honesty. but here's the secret...it's not about trusting and being honest with the person you're trying to build a connection with, it's about trusting and being honest

with yourself.

so start that now. you don't "eventually" get there, that's a wall talking. you are as much there as you have ever been because it's where you are. make the conscious decision to live from that place on purpose. reset. go back. move on. be honest about everything. share food and eat ice cream in messy living rooms and paint together. play music together. sing. dance everywhere, especially in the car. introduce each other to people and listen to your friends. they most likely know this isn't the last interest they'll ever meet. believe in something, even if it's just how you're handling things. offer your trust up the first person you feel deserves it and do not listen when fear tries to tell you to do something else. if something is happening, then acknowledge it. if something is inside of you, then act on it. be careless and reckless and dangerous and stop letting what you haven't been define who you are. leave the questions in your head where they can't sway the feelings in your stomach and then move on the former rather than the latter. do it now as you're reading this sentence. and if you get run over and busted up and you end up bruised for months, then give yourself time to heal and try again. and if you've never tried before then start tonight. give it everything you have and swear to yourself you'll do the same thing next time. and the time after that. and again. and again. until you don't need to do it anymore because you find the person who saw what you did and they appreciated what you did and instead of your having kept things from them, they took what you gave them and kept it for you.

that's when you know. i promise it doesn't work the other way around.