i’ve written about 12 posts that are sitting in my notes app, all begging me to put them but i can’t. the timing is all wrong. it’s too important for people i’ve just recently met and people i’ve known for what feels like a lifetime to work through what they’re working through, on their own, without my talking at them or around them instead of just talking to them. that’s a thing i’ve started doing more over the course of the last year. it’s something i’m proud of and it’s working well. sometimes i wish it happened more often than it does, and I'm sure it will where it needs to, but what i’m more sure about is that no one needs to hear my opinion unless they ask me for it.

except sometimes i land on things that are too big to keep on my computer and putting words out into the atmosphere seems like the only thing i can do push back against the atmosphere because it is pushing hard. and the atmosphere does need a push back periodically. as do i. as do my friends.

so this is a note to my friends. and also to their friends. and also to friends of theirs. this is a note to the atmosphere on our collective behalf. i’ll start with a question:

what is happening rn?

what is this thing that i can’t get away from where everyone is rationalizing weird situations that are not ok into being ok? situations where the story about the situation has to be fantasized because the reality of the situation it is something else completely. i'm catching my friends creating stories to tell themselves about the story they’re actually living and i’m over here on the sidelines looking confused because i am. dumbfounded is a better word. i could have sworn we’d all have it together by the time we were twenty-stomething or thirty-something? like, right? like, what is even going on?

i’m going to submit to the idea that everything is ok if you say it’s ok. i mean, we all get to decide what is and what is not. we (singularly) are the only ones who has any right to make that call. but also…if it isn’t ok, why even consider considering that maybe it is? because we are adults now. we’re grown ups. we’re *supposed to be* getting nothing if not more responsible, so why are we perpetually sketching out on the things that make the most sense and pushing into the most ridiculous scenarios that absolutely do not? i’m currently a spectator to at least six people that i care about who are fighting obvious (but ignored, of course) concession and carrying loads of compromise into and out of some of the most important life things. how are they doing that? well, they sort of just tell themselves and everyone else that this thing they’re doing or this behavior they have or this position they’re in is actually what they want. that they’re happy. that they’re doing “good”. that things are “ok”.

i’m making the assumption, right or wrong, that this is just in the air right now and that it’s a “season” or whatever that even means when we say it. it’s the atmosphere or something.

if that’s the case and if that makes sense to you and if you’re doing this yourself, then listen up:

can you consider knocking it off? and can you consider doing that for your own sake? can i ask you, as a friend of a friend of a friend, like, what if you actually made some decisions about what you are worth and about what you know you deserve (in your life/out of your relationships/from your family/etc) and you just…maybe also believed it? and maybe also believed it so much that you tried not settling for less than those things? i mean, ok, there’s a chance that you prefer a thing that’s less than perfect because it’s better than nothing and you aren’t excusing yourself out of an even better thing, and if that’s the truth...then fine. but if you’re not satisfied and it’s because you’re lulling yourself into complacency ABOUT YOUR LIFE then please hear me when i suggest that to those of us who care about you, that’s super not acceptable. at all.

so quit. for the people who love you. for the people whom you love. lowering your standards and bargaining with your conscience when it tells you “hey, pretty sure this is not the best you can do” or “you’re missing out on the opportunities that you really want by preoccupying yourself on these safe bets” is a poor choice. bargaining is never not a bad decision.

don’t expect to have what you could if you knock the wind out that petition and accept mediocre instead of magic. you should be overwhelmed every morning by how amazing your potential is and how intricate your emotions are and how fantastic your talents have become and how highly your friends or family or partner believe you to be (and for god’s sake i hope they tell you these things out loud). because like, these are actually things you deserve. we’re merited that much and way, way more. all of the list i just made should be standard from others and they should be standards for ourselves.

so…please, it’s hard to watch. seriously. it hurts the rest of us who are confused by it but only because we would rather see you in-between and expectant than in-process and left wanting. this sucks to see. a lot.

here’s my suggestion which you can totally take or leave: do something or something. take a few days or a weekend (or a whole week if you want to get crazy) and just quit being afraid of quitting the things you need to quit. learn to say no. practice stepping off. start being audacious and leaning into uncertainty where you could more easily stay where you are. lean into loneliness if you need to. rilke has plenty for you to read when you’re there. read rilke and make solo coffee and take some walks by yourself and use that time to back away from the things that are ok but really aren’t when compared to the things that are perfect.

i’ve had at least four chances to roll with things that were "fine" in the last 6 months. maybe more than four. none of them inherently “bad”. none of them unhealthy by nature. but i know what i want for myself and only certain types of ventures or people or ideas get to make it into that room. so while i 100% could have chilled with a slightly different, slightly-less-than-what-i-know-i-want version of those things………..why? as far as i can tell, and as far as i can see with how this is playing out in the lives of my friends, they’d just serve to cheat me out of moving on the things i know i will especially want whenever they make themselves available to me. and for nate, that’s not ok. i’m decided on this one. and i’m happy. for real.

it sucked to walk, man. i’m not going to lie about that part. staying is a much lesser commitment than going. i probably could have made a little extra cash or made out a few more times or…whatever. but no. i want a different thing. for me and for my friends and for their friends and for those of us in our twenties and thirties, glancing around the room and wondering why it doesn’t look like we thought it was going to. wondering why we’re not there yet. and why things keep just feeling “ok”.

we don’t need “ok", we need remarkable. we need “this is the most right i’ve ever felt, even though i’m in-between". we need a real story that we can really tell. we need to get a clear picture of what we want and what we’re worth and we need to let that decide for us what moves we should make.

happy october, bbs. i’m presently going to go buy my dream couch to make this room I'm in look like i think it should. there’s your metaphor.

love ya, ok? holla if you hear me.