a girl leans over to a guy who has to be her boyfriend and holds her phone up, pointing at some specific thing, saying some other thing about whatever it is she saw. he's looking down at his own phone and i almost think he doesn’t notice. it’s kind of awkward. when he does acknowledge that she’s there, it’s slow and drenched in disinterest. she keeps talking for a few seconds more and then stops, waiting for a response which she does end up getting but in the form of this anemic half-nod-head-lift with a barely visible brow raise, followed by eyes moving immediately back to his phone again which is parallel to his face because he’s slumped that far into the couch. they’re sitting across from me and perpendicular to the fireplace. we’re in a coffee shop. after he looks away from her there’s this tenuous time stop where the girl pauses for a second to watch him watch his phone and i’m watching her to see how she responds.

she doesn’t really respond at all.

or, actually she does respond. but not by following up or sharing something else. she doesn’t want to do that to herself again. so she responds by sliding in slow-mo quietly back to where she was before she made an effort, semi-close to him and at the same time not especially close, sort of biting her bottom lip and scrolling again through her feed. or responding to a text. or whatever.

she was with her boyfriend and she was by herself and i don’t understand.

this isn’t about people being “together alone” because of cell phones. i think that’s a stupid conversation and that’s not what this post is about. this post is about a girl who made an honest attempt at engaging a guy in some level of conversation to have it handed back to to her without any consideration whatsoever. her effort was dismissed and when it was, she went back to her place and did it like it was nothing new because it wasn’t anything new. she leaned back into the couch, back into her phone, back into herself, back into her “seat” because the contribution she tried to make was shrugged off instead of picked up. she wasn’t surprised. she wasn't angry. this was a dynamic she knew well, the one where she cares and he doesn’t. the one where she reaches out and somehow finds herself feeling like she did something wrong. the one where she learns through non-verbals that what she thinks or does or says is irrelevant and insignificant. it’s nonessential. she’s nonessential.

i actually stared at these two for way longer than is probably ok. then i got up and left and drove home and fell asleep.

i haven’t stopped thinking about it for 7 days.

*keep reading below*

i’m starting to understand that what necessarily matters in a relationship is not necessarily what we think. it’s not your political bent. it’s not your position on social justice. it’s not your theology. it’s not physical attraction. it’s not how familiar you are or how long you’ve been familiar or how easy it will be to stay familiar. it’s not in axioms or biases or paradigms. it’s not your ideals or your beliefs or your philosophies that are most important if what we’re talking about is a relationship where two people find themselves still happy together when they’re 80. as a matter of fact, science is starting to tell us that if these are the things show up in your list of prerequisites then you’re statistically on deck for divorce. #sorry.

i realize this is counterintuitive to what most of us have been taught or felt, but the construct of the relationship that has the best shot at lasting forever isn’t cerebral and it isn’t temporal and it isn’t corporeal. it is now and has always been emotional. you want examples? ok, it’s humor (funny = best sex) and thoughtfulness (physical attraction means mostly nothing) and kindness (together the longest) and empathy (happiest partners). those are the real players and you can read why for yourself if you follow those links. the point in all of them is that relationships do not rise and fall on who your partner is, it rises and falls on how they are. it’s not what you are to them, it’s what you are for them. it’s love, kids. the bloody kind. the kind that costs you something. the kind that’s expensive. the kind that leaves you with nothing because you wanted to give everything because that’s selflessness and your self is all you really have to give in the first place.

are you taking issue with this yet? then you’re not there. not right now, anyway. and that’s fine. do/think/attempt things however you want, but don’t be upset if the brand of relationship you’re pressing into falls apart (again) and you find yourself confused and discouraged and lonely, planning your escape instead of turning it around and walking headlong into honest effort. we are always setting ourselves up.

here’s the deal, what are you looking for? what do you want? what’s your play? if what you want is to be whole and healthy and experience affection on a deep level and give yourself the best odds at a long, good, happy life with another person then get your priorities straight. like, today. don’t self-sabotage (here’s another article that you probably shouldn’t read). stop stacking the deck against yourself with prerequisites that may be nice in the short-term but mean next to nothing when you stand them up beside the factors that best predict whether you’ll be content in the long-term. i am not saying that you shouldn’t care how someone votes or that you should date a person who’s face you kind of hate because hopefully eventually you'll think they’re not so terrible to look at or that it doesn’t matter if the boy you’re crushing on is an existential nihilist while you’re spending all of your evenings with your small group “community”.

a lot of the things that “matter” could easily be seen as byproducts of the things that “don’t” so i’m not saying that the social or moral values someone holds should be surrendered to a scientific/psychological equation. but when push comes to shove…it’s probably not someone’s left-wing lean that makes them a perfect mate. it’s probably actually the opposite. it’s that they want what you want as much (and sometimes more) than what they want for themselves. it’s that you laugh together. and are heard when you say something. anything, really. and that you feel safe when you show them something on your phone because you know ahead of time that they’re not going to be so despondent that your best option is to slink back toward any space that could EVER be called "semi-close but at the same time not especially close”.

let’s skip the part where we talk about this seating arrangement being a metaphor for your entire relationship.

so where am i? i won’t say that i have this on lock because i don’t. but i do feel like it’s true and i want it and i’m going to get there eventually, regardless of price. i’m gearing up to spend everything i have again even as i write this post. how? for me it's going to look something like this:

i will care about what you care about because i care about you. i will watch for signs that you’re doing less than ok and read between the lines when i can and i will absolutely make sure that you don't feel lonely or sad or helpless or scared. i will pick up on cues. you will know that your opinion is not just important, it’s a priority. your independence is crucial and it’s beautiful and i’m not intimidated by it so hang out with it as much as you want to. you are not small or insignificant and you’re not worthless and you won’t ever feel that way when i’m around. if you do, i’ll make myself available for you to tell me that it's happening and i’ll adjust as best i can. if we disagree (and we will), then i’ll spend a lot of time weighing out why you feel the way you do. i hope i even change my perspective sometimes. what you think is enough without needing to explain to me why you think it, but if ever you want to i’ll be super into it while unpack everything. if one day things are just “off” and your only outlet is getting your cry on, i’m going hang out with you and when it feels right i’m going to say “what do you need from me?” and “what can i do for you right now?” and you’ll know that i have your back. every time.

i want to be kind and generous and empathetic and thoughtful. i want you to lean over on the couch to show me what you just saw on your phone. i want to ask you questions about it. i want say something funny. i want you to say something funny back. i want us to laugh together. i want to kiss your temple. i want the kid across from us to walk away thinking something different than what i did.

i don’t want to sit semi-close, i want to sit especially close. even when we’re 80. and i think we have a good shot if instead of stacking the deck we just do our best with the hands we have.