THE RITUAL OF A DOOR LOCKED

November 13, 2015 by nate embrey in WRITING

i have a home now. even if it’s just a for-now home, it’s a home. i’ve been there for some months and the apartment itself is just whatever but the space is actually sort of perfect. since i signed the lease i’ve had the wonderful opportunity to re-fall in love with being able to enter a room that’s mine and put my things where they go (because they do go somewhere now) and then…just be. be quiet, be loud, be a dork, be asleep. i can do whatever i want. i live there. it’s mine. it’s me.

when i get done working i can hardly even wait to turn right on boylston. my body has started adjusting to my daily routine and i’m back to passing on things like hanging out with friends and for the simple reason that i’d rather be warm and comfortable and alone. i’d rather be at home. so when i finish responding to emails and pouring over SOWs, i close my computer, wrap up my cords, pick up my bag and then get in my car to drive straight to my corner of capitol hill. it used to take me 40 minutes to find a place to park but now it only takes me about 5. i found a secret. and once i park and i walk up my steps and i enter the pin for the front door and i walk 10 feet to my lock…i’m already decompressed. this is how i used to feel and something that i was missing for like, 5 years now.

after my stuff is where it goes, i straighten my place up, i turn on a lamp or two, i light a candle or ten, i turn some music on low and i go to the kitchen to make tea and make some dinner. last night was an iceberg salad with homemade caesar and pine nuts and ahi tuna. seared, but barely. iceberg caesar salads with pine nuts and seared ahi tuna is delicious with rpmano shaved liberally over the top. tonight i’m doing the same thing with the cheese but i’m doing it over brussel sprouts and trying my hand at homemade pesto (I have pine nuts, remember!?) and using it to sauce some flatbread pizzas. i’m thinking BBQ portobellos sound good but i’m not sure if that’s a thing. i'm also not sure i should pair that with pesto.

every night i lock my door when my evening is over and i’m ready to settle in to some x-files or the latest paul thomas anderson film. every time i do, a feeling of “yeah...bring the day to an end, nate” happens and i remember that i’m at my home and that i’m initiating a curtain call in a place that feels right for right now. the antlers and the cloudy glass medicine bottles and the stacks of books and the rilke poster that i designed and printed and framed…they don’t do it. the lock does. locking the door does. it’s the act of. it’s the ritual therein. it’s the subtle click that i hear when the deadbolt moves two inches to the left after which i sigh and (sometimes) smile and stumble over to my bed. then i blow out the candles and everything goes quiet.

it took too long. it took a toll. but my door is paying that debt back for me by reminding me for three seconds every night that i can reset. at home.

RIDE IT

November 01, 2015 by nate embrey in WRITING

i love dates but i don’t date a lot.

i try, i think. and in my trying i have met some really incredible people in recent months. i’ve had zero bad experiences and because every person is unique, each one was (and still is) wonderful in their own “i am a person like no other person” sort of way. i’m lucky to have met all of them and i hope they feel the same way. i mean all of what i just wrote very much.

none of them are still happening though, and that’s why i’m writing this. i had a friend ask the other day how one of them was going. the last one. this particular person had made a pretty good impression on a few friends and one of them was my dinner date. this is the conversation that happened.

"so, what's up with _________? how's she doing?"

and then

“oh, good i think!? i just heard from her a few nights ago and she said her promotion happened so that’s awesome!”

and then

“wait, are you guys still hanging out?”

and then

“ummm, no. we’re not. she’s gorgeous and…yeah. good girl but not happening.”

and then

“whoa, ok. so, did she ghost on you?”

and then

“not at all. i did. i mean, i didn’t ghost. we met and had dinner and there was an in-person conversation, of course. it was my call.”

and then

“ok, what in the world? was it bad? or what? what am i missing?”

and then

“no, it wasn’t even kind of bad…it just wasn’t amazing.”

and then

“ok, hold on. couldn’t youuuuu….just ride it out for a while? you are the person i would most expect to have a person around. just because, you like, enjoy that so much.”

and then

“no. i can’t.”

listen, i’m pretty sure i could invite any of the women that i've spent dinner or drinks with in the last 2 years to a situation wherein they could be introduced to my friends and the response would be (and indeed was on some occasions) something like “yeah man, she’s really cool” or “that was a lot of fun, you guys seem really good together”. but that’s also when i know it needs to end.

no. not because of what my friends say. it actually has nothing to do with what my friends say at all. i make life decisions on my own despite my friend's opinions, although that is an absolutely crucial part of getting to know someone and letting them get to know you. so it's less about what my friends do say and much more about what i need them to be able to say. the potential has to be there. i'm defining the kind of dynamic i want. so when i see that it isn't there, i know i have to have a hard conversation. i know i'm in for another last date and i know how that's going to go. when i realize that the type of relationship i’m signing up for is the “you’re really good together” kind...i’m out. it’s over. not angrily, not out of frustration...it just needs to be done. because i’m not a “good together” type of guy. i’m not hanging out or making out or spending time with a person who “works" sort of partner. there's a qualifier and that’s not the qualifier. i know what the qualifier is.

the qualifier is “where did that person come from??????”

the qualifier is “ok, this is way insane. it is actually crazy how perfect the two of you are with each other.”

the qualifier is “i haven’t seen you this comfortable with another person in 8 years” or “i have never seen you this comfortable with anyone” or “i’m offended because i’m your best friend and you aren’t even that comfortable with me”

the qualifier is “i’m going to be honest…it didn’t make sense at first. he/she has too many tattoos and he/she does not look like anyone i’d ever picture you with but after 30 minutes i got it. we were all talking after you left and every person in that room said the same thing, even mom and dad, we don’t know where you found this person but you guys have something that no one else in that room does.”

there are two types of relationships. there’s the “we’re good together” kind and that’s…good. but then there’s the “we’re home together” kind. and that’s the one. i cannot do a “this is pretty ok” or even a “this is great”. actually, that’s not true because i absolutely can. i am capable of it but i won’t put myself in the awful situation where five months into "we're really good together" we're both bored and despondent and ignoring the reality that we're in a relationship of convenience. you will never catch me doing something because it's better than doing another thing. i will not get stuck in a lesser-of-two-evils time-suck.

i will, however, stay single until i meet the next person who astounds me. i will have something remarkable or i will have nothing at all.

so why not just ride it out for a while? because why would i? because i want to distract myself from the reality that i haven't found the person who i'm at home with? because i want to look at something other than the person who would be? because real things are scary? because the bar is low so why not? because it's easy? because i don’t want to feel alone? or sad? or because i want to kiss a mouth?

no thank you for your horrible suggestion, horrible friend.

like everyone, i have a list of qualities that i find most attractive. physical, personal, philosophical…whatever. not a physical list but it's built in so i can share those attributes with you. i can explain to you my type. i’ve dated my type recently and it wasn’t bad. i didn’t hate it. but the capacity to fall so hard that i felt foolish and silly and embarrassed was not there. it wasn’t going to be, either. the butterfly-stoamch-circus that explodes behind your abdomen when you get a text or a call or a gift or see the person walking toward you and magnetically pulls you toward them while still somehow quietly whispering the reminder that they’re wild and free that the best way to love them is to let them fly where they want and come back to rest when they want........that is a thing that transcends by a wide margin any constraint i may place on potential by way of a physical-personal-philosophical expectation.

i’ve started thinking a lot about what kind of man i want to be when i’m 60 years old. every answer i have to that question confirms that riding out a relationship that won’t make me happy when i’m that age isn't just a waste of time, it’s working against me in present tense.

DO WHATEVER

September 26, 2014 by nate embrey in WRITING

it's been coming up a lot in conversation as of late. how do you walk into a potential long term situation? how hard do you go? how much do you hold back? what about the other person who's in this thing with you? what do you do when you get scared? should you get scared? what's the purpose? what's too much? what's not enough?

what if it doesn't work?

i think i've shifted quite a bit in my positions over the years. i think i've kept an open mind about…most everything, and i do plan on that trend continuing for quite some time. i also plan on getting better at it. but there are those things that have remained quite consistent since i was a teenager and started the process of meeting people to maybe fall in love with them. one of those things that i hope i never move away from is the idea that ransoming your heart for the sake of your heart is really just a comfortable form of treason.

*keep reading below*

and this is why people are tempted by the thought that they can wall of certain parts of themselves in an attempt to play the odds and curb how much pain they feel. they don't want their heart to hurt. their heart has been there before after all, and it didn't like it, so they learn from that and begin the process of protecting it by keeping pieces of it hidden with the intention of opening up those rooms when it…feels right. but keeping things back so as to not get hurt is a really reliable way to hurt both parties in the end. starting (too) slow will inevitably make things end too fast. proceeding with caution can/does backfire and not being who you are, where you are, why you are, when you are…means the person who you're doing this to doesn't ever get to meet you. and you don't ever get to meet them.

make no mistake, you may think initially that you're doing this for yourself but you're most certainly also doing it to someone else. someone call mr. jung.

i think it makes sense, in a way. we don't like pain and we want to do everything we can to mitigate how much of it we feel, so we wait to splay our guts onto the table until we're convinced that we can do it without our person getting grossed out after they see our insides. vulnerability becomes the dirtiest of all the dirty words. maybe not in lexicon but definitely in practice. we're guarded and circumspect and we're all too good at convincing ourselves that we're safer that way. but we're also lying to ourselves. allowing the other half of your relationship to see that you're whole even when you feel impossibly not whole (like when you think about the places that make you feel that way) is the epitome of being whole in he first place. the healthy person is the one who has the insecurities and the fears and the doubts and the guilt but recognizes that those things just part of whoever they are. healthy sees itself as the sum of it's parts and doesn't disregard the bits that it's ashamed of as not being reality. if they exist, they are real. healthy presents itself as exactly what it is and makes no apology for not being something else. healthy takes inventory, takes notes and then takes risk.

the other day i walked up to a friend who was sitting with a second friend. as i got close she said, "we're talking about feelings and how you have to feel them".

that's the whole thing.

i made up my mind over a decade ago that this would be my promise to myself as well as to whomever i might pursue, date, kiss or cuddle. it's never taken me to a place that i ended up regretting except in one particular instance: the one where the other person isn't on the same vibe.

i've never felt sorry for feeling it all, or the fact that i run the risk of feeling worse later by doing so. those are understandings that i always have walking in. they come with the territory and i'm completely aware of the potential outcomes. but i have felt sorry for ending up in heartbreak after deciding to move forward with a person who decided they wanted to approach us a different way. and this is the time when it doesn't work like it's supposed to. feeling everything works every time except when it doesn't. it's the time where the person you're feeling things "with" becomes the person you're feeling things "for". they want to withhold and you get burnt. the fireproofing of one leads to the incineration of the other. the protection against pain introduces a double-dose to the one who made a concerted effort to lay their arms down. measures taken to skirt around fear end up tormenting the one who paid no mind to it in the first place.

hear me say this. when someone holds their heart ransom for the sake of their heart, the relationship never gets a fair chance. the resulting treason isn't committed only against themselves but against love itself. it's treason against selflessness and charity and benevolence and altruism and generosity. it's subversion. it's a miscarriage. it's abortion.

"the trap i set for you seems to have caught my leg instead".

i think i'm writing this to remind myself that i don't ever want to change this part of how i approach love. despite being terrified and petrified and paralyzed and finding myself in the place i was worried i might and being alone and then not alone and then been alone again and being left and being broken and wiping tears and flirting with depression and watching it happily flirt back, i am unshakably sure about one thing...i'll do it the same way next time.

listen, if you're open to finding the person worth your time and effort and affection then do yourself a favor and don't sabotage the system. be open to it and be open to them. be open to yourself. be present at all costs. be intentional. be attentive. do everything you can to avoid thinking about worst case scenarios. understand that anxiety is poison and it lies to you, even when it's telling the truth. don't limit anything unless you should. if it's unnerving, lean into it. when it starts getting heavy, get heavy with it. when you start to get overwhelmed, say it. if you feel afraid, share it. if you can't figure out why you feel how you do, sit your person down and ask for help. unlock the doors and open the windows and pay attention to how the one you love responds. if you feel incapable, announce it. cry about it. get mad about it. hyperventilate. but work it out with yourself and with the one who is hopefully doing all of these same things for you. you're looking for an individual who can compliment you where you need it. you're looking for someone who won't hurt you when you're expecting to be and who won't take advantage of you when you're most likely to be and who won't think less of you when it would be easy to do that. for god's sake, don't steal away their opportunity to show you who they are. get out of your head. stop making excuses. your precautions are obstructing your view. the entirety of real relationship rests on feeling everything, all the time, and exactly how you do when you do. there is no room for buffers or for barricades. remove both before you "learn" that they work, because they don't except in their own special way of working in reverse.

everything i've written pushes toward two things: trust and honesty. but here's the secret...it's not about trusting and being honest with the person you're trying to build a connection with, it's about trusting and being honest

with yourself.

so start that now. you don't "eventually" get there, that's a wall talking. you are as much there as you have ever been because it's where you are. make the conscious decision to live from that place on purpose. reset. go back. move on. be honest about everything. share food and eat ice cream in messy living rooms and paint together. play music together. sing. dance everywhere, especially in the car. introduce each other to people and listen to your friends. they most likely know this isn't the last interest they'll ever meet. believe in something, even if it's just how you're handling things. offer your trust up the first person you feel deserves it and do not listen when fear tries to tell you to do something else. if something is happening, then acknowledge it. if something is inside of you, then act on it. be careless and reckless and dangerous and stop letting what you haven't been define who you are. leave the questions in your head where they can't sway the feelings in your stomach and then move on the former rather than the latter. do it now as you're reading this sentence. and if you get run over and busted up and you end up bruised for months, then give yourself time to heal and try again. and if you've never tried before then start tonight. give it everything you have and swear to yourself you'll do the same thing next time. and the time after that. and again. and again. until you don't need to do it anymore because you find the person who saw what you did and they appreciated what you did and instead of your having kept things from them, they took what you gave them and kept it for you.

that's when you know. i promise it doesn't work the other way around.