i love dates but i don’t date a lot.

i try, i think. and in my trying i have met some really incredible people in recent months. i’ve had zero bad experiences and because every person is unique, each one was (and still is) wonderful in their own “i am a person like no other person” sort of way. i’m lucky to have met all of them and i hope they feel the same way. i mean all of what i just wrote very much.

none of them are still happening though, and that’s why i’m writing this. i had a friend ask the other day how one of them was going. the last one. this particular person had made a pretty good impression on a few friends and one of them was my dinner date. this is the conversation that happened.

"so, what's up with _________? how's she doing?"

and then

“oh, good i think!? i just heard from her a few nights ago and she said her promotion happened so that’s awesome!”

and then

“wait, are you guys still hanging out?”

and then

“ummm, no. we’re not. she’s gorgeous and…yeah. good girl but not happening.”

and then

“whoa, ok. so, did she ghost on you?”

and then

“not at all. i did. i mean, i didn’t ghost. we met and had dinner and there was an in-person conversation, of course. it was my call.”

and then

“ok, what in the world? was it bad? or what? what am i missing?”

and then

“no, it wasn’t even kind of bad…it just wasn’t amazing.”

and then

“ok, hold on. couldn’t youuuuu….just ride it out for a while? you are the person i would most expect to have a person around. just because, you like, enjoy that so much.”

and then

“no. i can’t.”

listen, i’m pretty sure i could invite any of the women that i've spent dinner or drinks with in the last 2 years to a situation wherein they could be introduced to my friends and the response would be (and indeed was on some occasions) something like “yeah man, she’s really cool” or “that was a lot of fun, you guys seem really good together”. but that’s also when i know it needs to end.

no. not because of what my friends say. it actually has nothing to do with what my friends say at all. i make life decisions on my own despite my friend's opinions, although that is an absolutely crucial part of getting to know someone and letting them get to know you. so it's less about what my friends do say and much more about what i need them to be able to say. the potential has to be there. i'm defining the kind of dynamic i want. so when i see that it isn't there, i know i have to have a hard conversation. i know i'm in for another last date and i know how that's going to go. when i realize that the type of relationship i’m signing up for is the “you’re really good together” kind...i’m out. it’s over. not angrily, not out of frustration...it just needs to be done. because i’m not a “good together” type of guy. i’m not hanging out or making out or spending time with a person who “works" sort of partner. there's a qualifier and that’s not the qualifier. i know what the qualifier is.

the qualifier is “where did that person come from??????”

the qualifier is “ok, this is way insane. it is actually crazy how perfect the two of you are with each other.”

the qualifier is “i haven’t seen you this comfortable with another person in 8 years” or “i have never seen you this comfortable with anyone” or “i’m offended because i’m your best friend and you aren’t even that comfortable with me”

the qualifier is “i’m going to be honest…it didn’t make sense at first. he/she has too many tattoos and he/she does not look like anyone i’d ever picture you with but after 30 minutes i got it. we were all talking after you left and every person in that room said the same thing, even mom and dad, we don’t know where you found this person but you guys have something that no one else in that room does.”

there are two types of relationships. there’s the “we’re good together” kind and that’s…good. but then there’s the “we’re home together” kind. and that’s the one. i cannot do a “this is pretty ok” or even a “this is great”. actually, that’s not true because i absolutely can. i am capable of it but i won’t put myself in the awful situation where five months into "we're really good together" we're both bored and despondent and ignoring the reality that we're in a relationship of convenience. you will never catch me doing something because it's better than doing another thing. i will not get stuck in a lesser-of-two-evils time-suck.

i will, however, stay single until i meet the next person who astounds me. i will have something remarkable or i will have nothing at all.

so why not just ride it out for a while? because why would i? because i want to distract myself from the reality that i haven't found the person who i'm at home with? because i want to look at something other than the person who would be? because real things are scary? because the bar is low so why not? because it's easy? because i don’t want to feel alone? or sad? or because i want to kiss a mouth?

no thank you for your horrible suggestion, horrible friend.

like everyone, i have a list of qualities that i find most attractive. physical, personal, philosophical…whatever. not a physical list but it's built in so i can share those attributes with you. i can explain to you my type. i’ve dated my type recently and it wasn’t bad. i didn’t hate it. but the capacity to fall so hard that i felt foolish and silly and embarrassed was not there. it wasn’t going to be, either. the butterfly-stoamch-circus that explodes behind your abdomen when you get a text or a call or a gift or see the person walking toward you and magnetically pulls you toward them while still somehow quietly whispering the reminder that they’re wild and free that the best way to love them is to let them fly where they want and come back to rest when they want........that is a thing that transcends by a wide margin any constraint i may place on potential by way of a physical-personal-philosophical expectation.

i’ve started thinking a lot about what kind of man i want to be when i’m 60 years old. every answer i have to that question confirms that riding out a relationship that won’t make me happy when i’m that age isn't just a waste of time, it’s working against me in present tense.